


If I should go before you.

by PsychedelicToast



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Benthan Week, Day Four, Dogs, M/M, really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:14:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychedelicToast/pseuds/PsychedelicToast
Summary: Ethan knows he's not okay. Not yet, maybe not ever.





	If I should go before you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first legitimate fic. Dedicated to everyone in the discord server. This is also for Benthan Week angst day. Shorter that I thought it would be but hope you enjoy!

Death affects everyone deeply. For some, it hits like a truck, lingers and leaves. For others who can see it coming it long outstays it's welcome. Lingering and festering like an open wound that won't heal. For Ethan Hunt, it's all of these things.

After a week he returns home to their quaint house in a seaside town in Maine. Their home is 102 years old and well lived in. Five years of renovation, home projects, and knickknacks they've collected from all over the world. Well, it's only his home now.

Walking up the porch steps, he knows what is coming, and he dreads it — the small pitter-patter of footsteps from tiny paws. Two dogs Benji had insisted they adopt. A large black lab named Jet and a little terrier mix named Mr. Pickles. A ghost of a smile reaches his lips as they greet him. Gleeful and happy he's home. Blissfully unaware of the devastating news he can never tell them.

"Hey guys," he says softly as he kneels to pet them. His voice only breaking a little bit.

The heart-crushing reality only setting in when they search for someone who will never walk through the door again. Whatever is left of his heart is reserved for them he thinks, for their home, their pets and the life they built there. Every inch of his soul is screaming to run away from everything. Everything that reminds him of him and yet he fears if he runs, he'll forget, so he stays.

_It's a particularly dreary day in fall; he waits for news about Benji. They both swore off any final missions after their soft retirement. Unfortunately, an IMF tech on a junior team was caught up in a car accident earlier in the week and put out of commission. Brandt didn't hesitate to ask Benji for help and Benji, of course, didn't hesitate to accept. _

_"You don't have to do this; you know." Ethan huffs as he unloads groceries from the back of their SUV._

_"I do, and you would absolutely do the same thing," Benji replied. _

_"Sometimes I can be the hero too Ethan."_

_It wasn't supposed to be hard. It was something Ethan and his team had done a dozen times. Data acquisition from some bad guy's mansion. Get in and get out._

_Things hadn't gone as planned._

The worst part Ethan thinks, is that he wasn't even there. He didn't say goodbye, and he didn't hold him in his arms. He didn't mention the things he wanted to, no, needed to.

He stares out the window, next to the kitchen sink full of dishes and mugs that haven't been cleaned. He begins to understand.

_It's late out, Ethan is getting ready for bed. He had expected Benji to call him by now. He was getting worried. He ponders if this is how Benji felt all those times Ethan went off by himself._

_Hours later at precisely 2:32 am he receives a call, it's Brandt._

_"Yes?? Is Benji there?" he answered hurriedly._

_"Ethan…I think you need to come in. It's Benji…he's gone." Brandt responded._

_His world doesn't stop or come crashing down. It disappears entirely. Leaving him grasping in the dark for a grip on reality. _

_"What?" he chuckles lightly; he wasn't sure if he heard correctly. He knows he didn't just hear Brandt tell him Benji had died, and if he did? He's choosing to ignore it completely._

_"Ethan…please" This time Brandt is crying._

The funeral wasn't big, for close friends and family only. Benji's parents had passed a few years ago only his Sister and a few other faces Ethan had never even seen came. They were both intensely private people, only allowing themselves to be fully open and honest with each other.

Of course the team all came. It hit all of them hard. Benji's body is cremated. It felt wrong.

Weeks pass, it seems like years.

Neither Ethan or Benji ever discussed what should happen if one of them died. They thought they wouldn't need to, given that they were unofficially retired from field work. Ethan had given a letter to Luther in case something ever happened to him.

At this point, death was something he expected. He had always hoped to go first in any circumstance. The alternative was too difficult to think about.

It's a crisp fall day when Ethan is cleaning out Benji's desk drawer. He doesn't want to but knows he needs to.

A medium-size envelope with _‘If I should go before you'_ printed neatly on the front.

> _Ethan,_
> 
> _If you are reading this, I am either Dead, or you are snooping._
> 
> _I'm not going to ask you to stop being sad because I know you won't listen._
> 
> _So be sad but also remember to be happy._
> 
> _Remember the times we had where we would laugh and where we would cry._
> 
> _Hold on to the life we've built and the things we've made if you can._
> 
> _I want you to look after yourself and our dogs. I want you to enjoy life as much as you can. I know if our situations were reversed, you would want me to do the same._
> 
> _Always,_
> 
> _Benji._

For more reasons than one, Ethan expected something more morose or poetic. Perhaps a long list of demands and romantic quotes. This was Benji though, short and to the point and of course, always honest.

He smiles. It's not a genuine smile, not yet. He's not sure if he's okay. He feels like it never will be okay again, but he carries on.

It's six months to the day when he works up the courage to scatter his ashes. He takes them to the beach along with Jet and Mr. Pickles. They run and play in the sand as he watches the lighthouse in the distance.

_It's the beginning of summer, and Ethan and Benji are sitting on the beach. Their newly adopted dogs were barking at the waves crashing onto the rocky shore. Benji's smile is radiant; Ethan can't help but smile also._

_"Hey, Benji?" Ethan asked, coyly._

_"….Yes?"_

_"Marry me?"_

_Ethan had never seen a more shocked expression in his entire life._

_Benji's shocked expression turns soft._

_"..Of course you idiot."_

The chilly winter morning doesn't bother him. He opens the wooden box and empties it into the ocean. He watches as the waves wash them away into the Atlantic ocean. He feels a weight lifted off his shoulders. He feels like letting go.

He knows now. It might not be okay right now, but it will be. Ethan knows that their love remains. It cannot be extinguished, even by death.

For the first time in months, he smiles, it's genuine.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "If I should go before you" by City and Colour.  
Do give it a listen.


End file.
